I have sat here, staring at this empty page for a while now, debating on whether or not I wanted to share what is on my mind with you. A couple weeks ago, I told you that I was done being sad. I don’t want to dwell on it, because it doesn’t do anyone any good. So I sat here, really thinking about my feelings, and I decided that it was ok to share with you because I am not sad. I am frustrated. Incredibly, absolutely, completely frustrated.
As most of you know, I have been operating at considerably lower than 100% for a while now. In fact, it has been over a year since I truly felt confident and comfortable, particularly in the gym. In the beginning I understood that if I took it slow, I would be back to normal relatively quickly. Here I am, over 12 months later, focusing on being able to walk and stand comfortably and being challenged by standing with my feet in line with each other and closing my eyes. Even still it makes me feel squirmy and vulnerable even admitting that to myself, much less to you. Where is the girl who was enjoying going for long runs? Where is the girl that could hold her own with Olympic lifts? Come out, come out, wherever you are!
I’ve been taking it slow and just when I think I have made progress and can think about taking off my training wheels the tiniest bit, everything goes immediately back to square one. Two steps forward, twenty steps back. I’m starting to get motion sick with all the back and forth I have been through with my body and it is really starting to take a toll on my brain, too.
I feel like all the hard work I have put in the past two-and-a-half years is completely gone. I am heartbroken. I feel lost and definitely not myself.
Here is where you come in. Most of you have seen my progress (and setbacks) since day one. You have cheered me on during the Open and complimented me up one side and down the other about how I look. You are my people, DeCO is my happy place, and there aren’t words to express how grateful I am to have you on my side. Thank you for all you do for me and thank you for your patience. I need to focus on healing and feeling good, but there is nothing that I want more than to load a barbell with droppable weights and be like everyone else. Sometimes my frustration may get the best of me for that I’m sorry, but thank you for being there and being the same amazing group of people with the same cheers, kind words, and support when I calm down. I can tell you that if it weren’t for you, I would have given up and given in a long time ago. Thank you for keeping me going.
Do something great today, friends. I will if you will.