Tillifinney's Journey...Week 18!

  • By Eric Evenstad
  • 25 Jul, 2015
Join Tillifinney as we follow her fitness journey over six months, starting on April 16th, 2014. The highs, the lows, the goals, the PRs...she shares it all!

And now...Week 18!

The moment you realize that you are actually in control of what you do and how you live your life is one that will knock you flat on your ass. I am experiencing that right now in basically every facet in my life, and the only feeling that I have about it is a crazy amount of sadness. I feel like everywhere I go and everything I am doing just ends up with me spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere. The weirdest part about it all is that while I feel super sad, I also wouldn’t say that I am unhappy. I am sad right now with my current career choice, but I love what I do. That sadness carries over to my home life where it is starting to impact my relationships, but I care so deeply for the people in my life and I wouldn’t be where I am today without them. I haven’t had a major CrossFit accomplishment in what feels like forever, which makes me sad, but being at DeCO still gives me an overwhelming feeling of joy.

So how does this all relate? Let me tell you.

Until very recently, I think I was a chronic complainer and excuse­maker. Everything was always someone else’s fault, never mine. Maybe it’s one of my only child traits coming through at its best (or worst?) but I never took the time to reflect on what I was putting into the universe that could be impacting the situations I found myself in.

When I went to DeCO for the first CrossFit Saturday, things began to change. I wanted to make a change, so I took control of that part of my life and ran with it...or at least did one of those slow jog/slightly quick walking substitutes with it (because I still hate running). I realized that I could make a choice that would impact me and that excuses couldn’t get me anywhere close to what I wanted. Now fast forward a little over three months and take a look at me now. Actually, not now. Take a look at CrossFit Tillie from July. Cherry­picking WODs, eating like crap, and making all of the excuses to stay home. I felt awful because I realized that I was making a choice and this choice was having a negative impact on where I saw myself a year from now. So I got back in the driver’s seat and RX’d August’s benchmark WOD on the first try.

I feel back on track with CrossFit, but I also feel sad and frustrated because I feel like I have reached a plateau. That plateau was a mystery to me... until today. Today I realized that my plateau is happening because I am afraid to push myself out of my physical comfort zone. Terrified, really. I’m super comfortable finishing WODs in dead­last place, taking all the rest time to catch my breath, and not loading my bar with as much weight as I could. What would happen if I picked up my running pace? What happens if I get even more uncomfortable with my running breaths than I already do? What if I go right from my run into the rest of the WOD without a breathing break?

What if...? What if...? What if...?

What if nothing. I am so tired of what if­ing myself to death. In everything, not just at DeCO. What if I quit my job and followed a different dream? Oh no, I may actually be successful? What if I say the wrong thing to someone at the wrong time? Oh no, I may actually grow into a more sensitive and reflective person? God forbid I actually try and improve all aspects of my life during this journey.

So listen, all you “what if’s”. Screw you. I don’t need you. I’m changing my life here, and you are in my way. From this day forward I am promising to live life as hard as I can. I am going to go balls­to­the­wall at DeCO. I am going to put so much love into my relationships and not expect anything in return. I am going to take risks. I am going to break out of this comfort zone and get friendly with feeling uncomfortable.

Why? Because I deserve it. You do too. We are in control of our own lives and our choices and excuses won’t get us anywhere. So friends, instead of doing something great today, go out on a limb today. Say something you have been holding in. Do something you have been putting off. Throw a few pounds on your barbell and lift heavy shit. I will if you will. And really, even if you won’t because, as Bon Jovi once said, “It’s my life, and it’s now or never.”
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