Join Tillifinney as we follow her fitness journey over six months, starting on April 16th, 2014. The highs, the
lows, the goals, the PRs...she shares it all!
And now...Week 19!
Be about it.
Those three words are my new anthem.
Before writing today’s blog, I reread some blogs from the past. I also have spent the past 7 days reflecting hard on the life I am living. The hardest, really. Like, so hard that for a large part of every day I feel physically ill because of some of the choices I made in the past.
Last Tuesday, around 8 pm, I started the first day of the rest of my life. This paragraph from last week is one that stuck out to me again this week:
“From this day forward I am promising to live life as hard as I can. I am going to go ballstothewall at DeCO. I am going to put so much love into my relationships and not expect anything in return. I am going to take risks. I am going to break out of this comfort zone and get friendly with feeling uncomfortable.”
Taking risks. Pushing myself. Finally going all in.
Be about it, Tillie.
Rachel has been saying this a lot lately. “Don’t just talk about it, be about it.” That’s why I reread some old blogs. Friends, I am sorry to say that I have been a poor example. Until last week, I did not practice what I was preaching. Sure, I would do it for a day or so, but then I would lose stamina to keep going. Staying true to your word is hard work, and until last week, it was work that I gave up on too easily. By giving up on staying true to my word I was giving up on myself, which is awful, but the part that gets to me more is that I was giving up on everyone else. I was giving up on you and slipping back into my selfcentered comfort zone. Does that make you mad? It makes me sick. It makes me so sick that I literally just walked away from writing this post because I was so disappointed in myself. So disappointed in who I was.
At the beginning of the year, I made a resolution to be a nicer person. Like so many other things, I gave up on staying true to my word. In fact, I think I actually gave up on this one so hard that I went in the opposite direction. I became disingenuous and really lost touch with myself and basically everything I stand for. The person I am, that I lost touch with for long enough to make a lasting impression on my life, is one of the most fun people you will ever meet. She is genuine, she is funny, and above all else she cares for others. This person actually does live her happiest life, as discussed here
, and she is in step with the amazing woman mentioned here
as well as the one who has taken the biggest risk and shared some of it here
Now comes the adjustment period. I know who I am, and how absolutely bogus the other version of Tillifinney was, but that Tillifinney did a lot of damage. That Tillifinney fell off of her own wagon and didn’t care who was hit along the way. That Tillifinney talked so much about living your happiest life, doing great things, and never losing sight of those people who mean the most to you when in reality she was doing the opposite of all of those things. Not practicing what she was preaching. Only talking about it, not being about it. But that Tillifinney is gone. I am here now, and I am ready to pick up all the slack that was left behind these past few months. I have a lot to prove, a lot to rebuild, and a lot to keep working on, but it is worth every sore muscle, every heart ache, and every pit in my stomach. Word has it that it is always darkest before the dawn, almost like it is going to get worse before it gets better, and I know it will get better. There was too much there before destructive Tillifinney whirled through to just throw away.
So watch out, world. I’m all in. For the first time in my life I am giving all I have to everything.
I’m all in.
Be about it, Tillie. For f***’s sake. It’s about time.